Crash Course Through Mental Illness

Let me give the story of my crash course through Mental Illness and why I'm qualified to drive. 4 years ago I was diagnosed with BPD, PTSD, Panic Disorder, Anxiety and Depression. BPD being one most therapists don't want to deal with. Oddly enough, when I got the diagnoses I felt a sense of relief. I finally had a name to all the chaotic mess that was going on in my mind. The darkness that felt debilitating and the paralyzing fear I dealt with day in and day out seemed to give way in that moment to a glimmer of hope. I saw in that SECOND a chance to learn all I could about what was going on inside me! I was determined to figure it out, I did not want to be destined to a life of misery or being controlled every second of every day. I wanted to connect my mind, body and soul so they all came together in harmony. So I went to work! During this time I learned a lot about how these disorders worked. This got me a step ahead of the game and I was able to start anticipating what and how I would react to any given situation. Now a disclaimer: just because I could anticipate it, doesn't mean I could control it! But let's continue on... So every time I would react when I felt out of control, I would go back once the aftermath was over and dissect what caused the crash, what I felt in that moment and how my body started to feel before the crash. After doing this for an extended period of time, I went on to the next phase of minimal negative reactions, if I did have an intense reaction I was able to disrupt the negative patterns and state I was in quickly. Because of that I could really focus in on where my thoughts and feelings were headed and redirect them. I could start to see how many thoughts I had that were negative and shaming to myself. Once I saw that I could self soothe through better thoughts, those thoughts in return produced better feelings and with those feelings it dramatically improved my actions. Initially, these illnesses were definitely in the driver's seat! With each step, I entered the car, then moved from the back seat, to the passenger seat and now, the majority of the time I am the one driving. I tell my mind where to go and what it should be thinking, I stop the negative feelings before they can change my emotional state. During this crash course lesson I've come to realize the quality of our lives come from the quality of our emotions. I went from living in a state of depression, anxiety, ready to attack and defend, to a state of peace, love, and joy. No, this was not an easy process, I've worked my ass off! I've slipped up ( and hit a few trees) along the way but success is constant improvement and progress. Yes, I still have to focus and train harder on these things then those who've never suffered with Mental Illness. Because of that I probably live a life with more emotional stability and peace than many who've never struggled with any disorders, simply because of the time and energy that goes on improving my subconscious mind and getting to know my emotions. Now before I'm run over with your retaliations of... "how dare she!" "She must really not have struggled with these disorders!" "She is just lucky!" Stop! I get it. I get those thoughts, I really do! But I promise you, we are people of habits and patterns. More often than not with proper training and disruption in negative patterns and behaviors we can regain control of our life. Don't limit your beliefs to thinking your just destined and sentenced to a life of reactions and heartaches. You might feel like you're not even in the car right now, but you can be and once you've made it to the back seat you will feel more free then you have ever felt. You will see life from a different view. The car isn't just passing you by, now you can see it from a moving perspective there are still limits to what you can see and you'll have times of feeling out of control but continue on. The passenger seat has some pretty awesome views and conversations that happen and in those conversations you will talk your subconscious mind into letting you drive and once you touch that wheel you will never again go back to a car that is locked, you will have the freedom to choose, how fast you go, the destination and the stops you want to take along the way! So, in conclusion, stop your unconscious thoughts of "I can't", and OPEN UP THAT DOOR, jump into the backseat of "I can" and "I wills" and enjoy the scenery along the way.